to start with, the foal was born saturday the nineteenth at 8.45 pm. a healthy filly :) mother and baby both doing well so far.

++++ i am more committed than ever about getting my license.
the need to drive has become almost essential. i can save so much bloody time, and money, especially being in the country and no buses, etc. i drove for about 1+hr last night in the dark, on a wet road and DIDN'T freak out, at all. even though i stalled at lights only once, and took about 4 tries and a handbrake start (moms car is so bloody different to the 4WD i've been practicing on at my place), i have a good feeling that im onto a good thing with my driving.

+++++++ making time for friends, and not losing so much energy for work (Y)
about every two/three/four weeks i go and see patty&len. actually i need to get my iPod off them soon, im going a little nuts without it.. SO YES. seeing paige today, then going to her par-tay next week. i've been partying a lot, actually. and surprisingly my body is keeping up. i guess since i stopped being vegetarian i have a little more energy now. i've definitely put on more muscle, that is for sure. (i can lift 30kg feed bags with ease now *airpunch!*) ANYWAY i have been trying to space the time i spend around to different people, and only go out once a week. which means i end up seeing people about once every 4-6 weeks. which i think is pretty good, considering it takes me about 1hrPLUS to get anywhere. chyeah...

+ headspace
im in a better mindset working, and living by myself. yeah it gets a bit lonely sometimes but i''ve grown up a buttload, and while i wish i wasn't so emotionally sensitive moving out was probably the best thing i did. so i stopped smoking pot altogether. i didn't really enjoy it that much, compared to others, and its put my mind in a much better place. i had gone to see my old counselor to talk about the things, turns out i had psychosis a few times without really knowing it.. so yeah, no more hallucinogens for me either. or, maybe just in, small amounts :P
heide pushes me when she knows i can do shit (even when i don't think i can) and that has done wonders for my anxiety. so that is although not sorting itself out, im working out that i can push myself more than i realised i could.

++++ my horsie :)
she is so cute. and tries super hard, especially for an off-the-track four year old. the fancy rug turned up, and she so deserves it :) i gotta buy her a new bridle soon. and on that track...

++++++++ riding :D
it's going so amazing. i mean, im not strong enough to put a warmblood through (although i could get dante through nicely, and he holds a bloody strong contact), but im getting stronger and working things out a lot faster than i was expecting. im physically in better shape than i have ever been in. maybe when i was 10 i was this athletic. everything is going, good. (i've probably jinxed it already, but...)

+/- housemate
lia might be moving out, but the new girl is starting on monday, so at least there will be someone else around for a month or two.
i don't actually mind living by myself. it just means i can listen to my music as loud as i want and don't have to worry about wearing a bra afterhours.

++ money
so while im saving only a little, im doing good. need a laptop super bad though..
oh well. when it happens it happens and im not in a rush about it. as long as i am happy that is really all that matters :)



i hope you have all been well. i know i have promised photos since forever, but i really cbf uploading any. when i can, i will. lawl ^.^

+++++++++ catching up with the boys. lots of fun times :D
---- no moneys
+++ doing more photos these days
++ foal due 20th Sept
++++++++++++++++++++ my new horse; swampy <3
++++ riding is going good
-- emotions are fucked up.

i love spending time with my friends, but at the same time i know i can't throw everything away that i have now to feel loved.
i realised i actually don't like people. so, im vain and selective, but i really don't give a fuck. i enjoy bonding with people that actually understand where im coming from, or that i enjoy spending time with.
apart from that, everything is just its lovely post-inebriated illusions.

(also. most of my blogs im posting straight into myspace - although im paying through the roof for it, mobile internet is really convenient)

i have a little horse now. and everything is expensive.
still working in the country.
saving my cash and things.

just working out my headspace is good. things have been better (at work), this week things got a little messed up.

catching up with people is a little difficult, but its nice when people make the effort.


miss you all a lot <3

a death makes you realise how insignificant life really is.



i still can't believe it.

same old same old i guess.. so a proper update in case you were wondering what was actually happening.

+ i'm redecorating my room. re-arranging and so many other things. more things on walls, using clothes on hangers and material for wallpaper and fixing things up. maybe a new fishtank for my fishy. a big long one, so i can put more in. sweeeeeeeet. maybe those pictures i've been waiting to post up for so long will eventually come to exist :/
+ aquiring new clothes. opshops are amazing. so are trainlines. enough said :)
+ riding is going amaaazingly. honestly, strength and practice are about the most things i need to work out. i'm so happy, seriously i have no idea how far things have come in such a short amount of time.
+ my godbrother is going to be in melbourne over july. he's here for the whole month, and rachel (his sister) and his mom and dad will be down for a few weeks. i heard him talking on the phone to dad, he sounds so ridiculously grown up. hopefully not too grown up :s
+ my sister and phoebe and giorgia are coming up tomorrow i think. which means i get to catch up and whip them into doing work
- saving is going shit. but, you gotta eat right? if only you could not have to, and then be able to just keep living. harhar, not to sound pro-ed or anything.
+ pay went up. sweeeeeeeeet ^.^ i messed up the water a bit. well, i left a tap on and 20000L of water went down the drain. so, thats why saving is going shit, cos of that. but, yeah heide said i've been keeping up and doing well, so more cha-chings for me.
- i have to clean up. fails.
+ i'm staying in the big house while heide is away. which means, dvds and awesome heating.
+ growing my hair. i've been manically cutting it, im almost bald again now. thinking a few months and then extensions, because i'd like dreds. dreds and shaved bits. hmm...
- friendships are failing. don't really feel like talking about that too much. i just miss everyone a lot. i miss not having resposibility and just being able to feel carefree. which is ironic because i was never really even that carefree when i wasn't responsible. or less responsible than i was now. ugh.
+ housemate is, ok. everything there is going ok. it still feels a little superficial but she's good to talk to and does a lot for me. i'm grateful for her.
-/+ mental and emotional health was going so stupidly shit. just returning home made me realise that everyone had grown up so much, and everything seemed so different. but then i realised that it hadn't changed at all. my mother and father still have the same relationship with each other that they always did. only my sister actually has a chance to survive the madness that is mom and dad. she is stronger than i was.
+ awesome new music. enough said.
+ drawing and photos. i've started some of that stuff again. i think if my art-ish side dies i can always go do design, or fashion. or styling. im ridiculously optimistic now about the future.

but, i guess everyones problems are always overwhelming. its ok. i understand.



i've realised how incredibly unemotional i am. or have become (?).
i have a feeling it has something to do with the fact that the past two/three years of my life had been so emotionally dramatic, that its like it's all been removed?
i don't know.
thats how it feels.


i image people i love dying and feel nothing.


on a less dramatic note, my riding is improving. a lot. now, for strength.

i was having doubts about how long i was going to stay at the job i have now. things were just, starting to fall apart. i was feeling like it was time to leave, to move on.
but yesterday i rode for the first time in a week and it just put into my mind how i know i can balance everything, even if i feel i can't. it's one thing i've always had a stupid fear about, but now after so long i know i can leave that behind me.

i'm shooting with kimothy next week i think. she called about a concept, so i'll have photos about that.
harhar, the photos ive been promising you all for so long xD

shh

i'm not sure if i discussed kings of leon here yet, but let me just sum it up by saying it was FREAKING AMAZING! they played just enough new stuff to keep the people who jumped on the bandwagon happy but enough of the old stuff. and the mosh was kind, a good first mosh for the young'ins i had with me ^.^ yeah, cannot stress it enough, it was, incredibly. oh, and the friend. kudos to you mate :D

i got socked in the nose yesterday. it's just a little swollen but of course my return to melbourne ensured a lot of "OMFG ITS BROKE-D!" comments from my mother, and a cussload of swollen-nose jokes from my sister. whatever.
waiting for a phone call from a new friend to catchup, which should be could. seeing people is a huge plus in my life atm. OH! love to maggie who is going back into hospital for a short while (fingers crossed!). aaaaaaaaah and much love to kitten who is going to be visiting zecuntry soon ^.^


i wish, i had more money. i wish i was better at saving and food wasn't so freaking expensive. i wish for every day i had, i had another but with time stopped. i wish i had my lisence already. i wish i wasn't so giving and more selfish. i wish, i was a lot more selfish actually.
i like to wish.