i havent been to tafe all week D:
i'm just sitting at home typing away on my computer.
actually, i'll take some photos. maybe.

i decided what im going to do, sort of; take the rest of this semester off, work, get a fuckload of images done, and start up therapy again. i need to get my life back on track; and all i want to do at the moment is run away from everything and everyone.

i saw maggie yesterday and we got high.
it was good to catch up with her - at the moment i'm finding it so hard to talk to people. maggie is who i turn to when i feel like noone else will listen. i'm glad that i feel at ease around her. haha, it's also funny because she is so freaking young; a little crazy.


i need to fix my hair. the blonde is growing out terribly, the side bits kitten buzzed for me have grown out already, and i'm getting antsy waiting for it to grow. i haven't got around to dying it blue yet. maybe i'll head into the city tomorrow and buy supplies. then, lure someone home to help me dye it. god i'm so lame.
i'm looking around to some cheapo extentions or something. charo said she'd make some falls for me too, so that'll be good.
i miss looking like a girl. haha.

editt


see the ( DS CASE! )


and also - how impressive is this girls hair?!

its so delicious. im jealous.


(OH MY GOD. my co-ordinator called and left a message. and almost gave me a fucking anxiety attack. i need to fix this. i really really do)

for some odd reason, i don't know why, i joined dyke_riot. probably because for some stupid reason i need validation. hah, like always.

oh well.
i spent most of today not at tafe, like i should have been, but i was at home working on my drawing. i have two weeks to plan/finalize my first major drawing for this semester. and, if i'm going to get anywhere in this course i have to plan my dates really carefully.

i've been trying to make myself feel better by reading chucknorrisfacts.com, which is fucking hilarious.
it's keeping me amused, and keeping my mind super busy.
also. skins is back on tonight after a two week break because of the freaking tour de france. *shakesfist*

i really feel like some pot. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

haha. i feel kinda VERY stupid. im getting a lot panicky over little things (or nothing) and its embarrasing.
but you know, its just about the same old usual stuff. lame, right?

(i didn't go to tafe today. oh well...)

i kinda half had a panic attack about next year and studying. stupid, right?
and uh, oh well.
maybe dying my hair sooon. blonde is overrated.

i'm sick of missing out on things i really want to do because a) i'm too fucking proud to let myself have a go, or b) i'm too wrapped up in my own mind and wallowing in self pity and loathing.

i'm sick to fucking death of having parents meddle in my affairs. because just when my head is starting to go right, i've got to listen to them having a huge arguement about how my 'morals and beliefs' are fucked up.
i'm sick of getting blamed for letting others have a good time. i'm sick of not being able to put in money for spliff because i spend my spare time worrying or bashing my head against a brick wall, as opposed to working.
and, i'm sick of wasting my time worrying for people when most the time i feel like they aren't really there for me at all.


i want to pack up, leave and wake up with the warm sun on my face. realise that it's ok if things fuck up, you can deal with it. and, if all else fails you can always lock yourself in your room for three weeks and die of starvation (Y)

im hooked on this stupid indie dance shit.


-
i'd kill to make time stand still. especially right now.
i've used to give myself excuses to stay up all night. i thought that if i never went to bed, the night wouldn't end. and if the night didn't end then the morning wouldn't come, and i wouldn't have to deal with the troubles of the next day.
each night i would be finding myself falling further and further behind in anything. but i was wallowing in self-pity too much to give a damn. and i was too stupid to realise that no-one pulls you out of this hole.

and now, i'm wishing i'd already crashed and burned. so at least i'd still be young and have something to do with this stupid rotten wasted existance of mine.


oh i'm so melodramatic. it's all the rage these days, haven't you heard? along with deceit, blackmail and concealed bruises, it keeps my skin taut and eyelashes curled.
spare me your drama.

oh draconian devil.
oh lame saint god my quotes are stupid

aaaaaaaaaaaah a mental friday has messed my head. i now feel like a dirty slut whore (hickeys and all), and a drug fiend.
and. ugh. i just wish things were more clear.
my friends... i'm not even sure if they are my friends. *headdesk*
i had my mobile phone taken off me, from what happened on friday. so no more cell D:


--
it's taken me this long to update, because its taken me three days to be able to hold my head up vertically and wait for the page to load.
ugh. ugh ugh. ugh ugh ugh.

i'm feeling really overwhelmed with everything at the moment. i'm needing money for skates. i want to skate. i'm dealing with parental shit. i'm struggling to keep in contact with people. i'm stuggling to stay sober during the week. i'm having difficulties keeping myself afloat at tafe. i was sick, so i missed with rollerderby. i need money for skates ($130+). i need a job.
fucking euphoria likes to mess me up.


i've never been so sure in my life that this is bipolar.
i was told that the good times are so good, that the bad times just don't compare. but these bad times are a nightmare.
i just wish i lived with someone. or close to someone. who i could cuddle. and get cuddles from.
and just talk to.
i feel like im losing people so -so- bad. and i hate it.
everyone's busy, i get it. but i'm just so busy i crave people. i don't know what to freaking do. i'm stuck.

and now i'm freaking rambling.
ugh.
[/end]

so. after a huge fight. i like to get wasted, stoned. and listen to this song.
and sleaze on the closest moderately attractice being.











wowow. i'll be their slave till the day i die. *flails arms*

i met a random at my bus shelter at my bus-interchange today. she rolled me a cigarette and made me smile something chronic.
it was strange.

it made me feel, appreciated.
like, this one person i had only met for about 15 minutes really liked spending time with me, and actually wanted to talk to me.

i felt like i could trust this girl. this millie. who i had only met 5 minutes beforehand. i felt like i could trust her more than the people i have known for over 3 years.

i feel like things with time lose it.
like, after too long people will get sick of me. or just think i am the same-old unreliable jerk.

hm.

lisa kereszi here

wow. this image is figurative of how i would love my room to be. or, have you ever seen that image of nick cave working away at his desk?
or that.


gosh. i'm suddenly inspired.
i'll start on my oral first thing tomorrow.

oh oh oh i want to take photos now. im feeling at peace. suddenly.
maybe i'm suddenly on my euphoric high ?




OH! and i'm seriously considering roller-derby as my new sport.
i'm going to be contacting the VRDL to see if i can start training or if i'm suitable ^_^

me and rachel might be going here -->


teehee

wow. um. craziest 24 hours ever? defiantely

didn't go to tafe because i woke up with a killer sore throat - thought shit, i've got what dad has, great..., so just took some panadol, a codral, and two doses of this immune system stuff, an insomnia tablet i found in the medicine cupboard, and went back to bed. i stopped by the bathroom to gargle with salt-water (for my throat)
four hours later, i wake up feeling like a zombie and with a killer set of jelly legs. go downstairs for some lunch (yes, some actual food), and re-dose on panadol. go back upstairs for a little snooze.
wake up at about three (an hour after i've eaten), and go downstairs to gargle. collapse on the way to the bathroom. wake up later not be able to move my legs, wedged between the toilet and the wall, with a huge lump on my head. mom helps me as i shakily get back upstairs, collapse into bed and cry for about 4 hours, while mom and dad are running around me shouting things like 'you don't eat enough' and 'let me get you [insert here]'.
mom brings up a vitamin smoothie later and i get shitty at her for no reason (mainly just because im feeling like a pissweak little nothing for collapsing everywhere, but you've all heard that before). so, i drink said smoothie about 30mins later. even though i told both dad AND mom that it's going to make me violently ill.

2 hours, a long hot shower, awkward conversation with mom, and a bed-sheet change later i'm apologizing like fuck for reasons i know are out of my control but i can't help but feel crappy about anyway.


i'm just hoping today is ok.
well, better.


i miss people. a lot. i need to do this oral thing for tafe but i have no bandwidth, so i'm kinda just trying to do two things at once - once using internet, one not. its a little very frustrating.
*mashes keyboard*