aaaaaaaaaaaah a mental friday has messed my head. i now feel like a dirty slut whore (hickeys and all), and a drug fiend.
and. ugh. i just wish things were more clear.
my friends... i'm not even sure if they are my friends. *headdesk*
i had my mobile phone taken off me, from what happened on friday. so no more cell D:


--
it's taken me this long to update, because its taken me three days to be able to hold my head up vertically and wait for the page to load.
ugh. ugh ugh. ugh ugh ugh.

i'm feeling really overwhelmed with everything at the moment. i'm needing money for skates. i want to skate. i'm dealing with parental shit. i'm struggling to keep in contact with people. i'm stuggling to stay sober during the week. i'm having difficulties keeping myself afloat at tafe. i was sick, so i missed with rollerderby. i need money for skates ($130+). i need a job.
fucking euphoria likes to mess me up.


i've never been so sure in my life that this is bipolar.
i was told that the good times are so good, that the bad times just don't compare. but these bad times are a nightmare.
i just wish i lived with someone. or close to someone. who i could cuddle. and get cuddles from.
and just talk to.
i feel like im losing people so -so- bad. and i hate it.
everyone's busy, i get it. but i'm just so busy i crave people. i don't know what to freaking do. i'm stuck.

and now i'm freaking rambling.
ugh.
[/end]

WELCOME IRL FRIENDS; READ ON

a lot happened this weekend.
but, the most important of it was that i realised how much i love my friends. each breathe i now take i am so grateful for.
i have never wanted anything more than to hope that i make a difference to one person. because as long as i'm doing that then my existance here is not wasted. thankyou.
jessie; for letting me talk (type) your ears (eyes) off. so so so grateful
maggie; you actually listen to me, and mean it.
ryley; you make me smile. i've never had someone be so kind to me that randomly. without expecting anything in return.
patty; wow. um. yeah. you turned lesbian for me. enough said ? :P i have never felt so loved by any individual before.
sheridyn; for giving me the confidence to model again. thankyou
kitten; making me smile always. and always sharing.
rachel; rollerskating with me. i feel like less of a dickhead around you. thankyou so so so much.
liz!; a gorgeous face and cuddles at a place i'd much not rather be.

thankyou so much.
i had to let you know. i never take you for granted. i wouldn't
i had an epiphany.



ry; you've inspired me.
i'm learning to sing this. i haven't sung since january. my range is back, so you all better watch the fuck out.
i've moved past her. patty, you helped me validate that. let a new love take your old heart - fuck yes.

stupid misunderstandings between old friends have past. i've never felt so confident in myself ever.


i feel awash with hope. and love.
and liver disease ;D



-
nothing they say can make me change my feelings now. i am resolute.
thankyou ♥

ugh. i had a huge breakout today. ugh. ugh. ugh.
first of all, i did this work for my tafe oral, and yeah, my teacher pretty much blasted the shit out of me in front of the class. but i deserved it. it put me in my place, and made me realise im just a lazy little shit ^_^ hohum. started some lino-cutting today, to do some prints with next week. i tell you what, that shit is more complicated than i expected.
oh, and my teacher changed my photography class from wednesday to friday, which means that what i had organised with kat (to model for her school stuff on that day) wasn't going to work out - and she got seriously shitty with me.
but, whatever. shit things happen in my life but i'm not going to dwell on them.
moving on.


my weekend... friday night, nothing. connie went to stay with her friend, so i had the computer to myself that night. just doing some odd ends that needed tidying up.
uh, saturday modeled for sheridyn (here), so hopefully she gets the images soon so i can show you all. i got to mannequin in the window of Route66, and inside the store, and the chick working in there asked sheridyn to send her a couple for the website (maybe!) EXCITING!

and and and sunday was mother's day. i wrote a letter to mom just explaining everything to her in the way that i'm trying to grow as a person etc, and all that fun stuff. and then, at 10.30 i left to get into the city on time to meet up with rachel, jump on a train, and go skating with the Victorian Roller Derby League's Fresh-Meat class. which was pretty much just 7 of us new kids learning shit while the other awesome girls did training and exercises. i only fell on my butt a couple of times, so i reckon that was ok! :D we did pretty epic warmups though - full on pushups and situps. this actually has a chance of making me fit! for those that don't know about roller derby

i got sized up for actual skates, seeing as i would be looking to buy some (i borrowed all my gear seeing as i can't afford any at the moment), and i'm a men's 6 (so yeah, hint, these are the skates that i was recommended to get. which, to be honest, they are a bit expensive ($US123.50, $AUD131.26) - but they have aluminium trucks -and- are better for narrow feet (which i have, duh). i think if i just go down to my local rink to hirew skates while i get my skating experience up for a bit, sell some shit on ebay (to make some $$) and get a job, i should be able to buy skates, which means that i can at least borrow pads/helmet until i can afford them as well - so then i can train all the time!
ooooh im so excited about this :D

oh im so overwhelmed with the fact that this might just work out :D

she's open waiting for more

i'm sniffly, sneezing, and awfully coughing.
no more smoking. its really not doing me any favours.

um, saturday i'm doing some photos with sheridyn, for her school work (and, somehow, getting a roll done for photography).
and, sunday, LOLZ MOTHER'S DAY!, i'm going to a fresh-meat training session at dandenong with rachel. IM EXCITED! but so so nervous at the same time. i haven't skated for about 4 years, so this should be interesting....



oooooooooh i hope they email me back soon !

friday night - caught up with phoebe (and ma sisterr), and watched when a stranger calls, and 1408. which, btw, they changed the ending of 1408 from the cinema version *shakes fist!* i really do not like the ending on the dvd. let it be known.

saturday - hot chocolates to sooth my sore throat. (we've got germs travelling around at home, its gross) bus'ed from eltham to preston - took the LONG WAY. but, it was a very scenic route and gave me time to think. caught up with maggs, and smoked up for.... pretty much most of the afternoon ^_^ met some of her mates, who were very very sweet.
left preston around five to get to the city, to drink up with ry & her mates. who, btw, are really REALLY nice.
got home at about 9.15. started watchin chocolat with connie and phoebe, and fell asleep. so i went to bed, with a drink bottle.

sunday (it's not over yet, btw) - just chilling with my sister, probably doing some manip's. with the possiblity of some photography, and heading out to see doncaster shoppingtown (which they've opened new bits of ^.^). and maybe seeing prom night at the cinema's



love you all. so freaking much. !

my sister is so lighthearted. i am jealous. she has this hawaiian version of somewhere over the rainbow. it makes me so upset, this song. i can't help it! its so sweet and makes me feel lonely everytime.


i don't know what to do with myself anymore. ugh. this overwhelming morose feeling is just washing all over my mind. i just really couldn't be bothered with tafe today. i think my teacher was trying to inspire me, but really i was just on the edge of tears a few times. oh well, he tried right?

i'm baffled and confused at things. i'm trying to reach out to people so i'm not just getting overwhelmed by my inward-shittiness, but somehow i've never felt more alone than i am now.
i would just love to be held.
and held.
and held.




wow i sound so fucking melodramatic here. ugh.
i disgust myself so much sometimes.




-
saw sheridan this weekend, helped out with her shoot (i'll let you know how that goes). and paige stayed over, and we watched a lot of movies. i'm so grateful of the time you spend with me dear.

i feel ridiculous. ugh.